Conversations

Willy Tucker is a little overweight, about 100 pounds overweight, and when he came in last week someone said, “Hey, what’s shakin’?”

He said, “Four cheeks and two chins.”

Willy asked for a lite beer and Pat Tillett asked him if he was on a diet or something.

“What’s it to you?” Willy snapped.

“Hey, sorry. I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.”

“Yeah, well we had a meeting and changed the rules. Hey, sorry if I was rude, but my wife is on me to lose some weight.”

“Well, that’s one good way to do it. It’d be better if you were on her though.”

“She said that if I get any bigger I’ll have an innie instead of an outie, and she wasn’t talking belly buttons, either.”

Pat, who was into his 4th rum and coke of the evening, was watching the telly which I keep on but with the sound down low. One of those entertainment shows, you know, news about the stars was on. A picture of Oprah came up and Pat said, “Man, that is one hot babe.”

I picked up his glass and told him, “That’s it. You’ve had enough.”

He laughed and said, “Look, there’s Elton John. What are they saying about him?”

“It’s Sir Elton now, you know.”

“Oh, that’s right. He got knighted. Oh well, I guess all that practice paid off.”

“What practice?”

“You know, all that time he spent on his knees in front of a queen?”

“Ouch. Good one, Pat.”

“Did I ever tell you, George, about my three stages of drunk?”

“I don’t think so.”

“My first stage is when I get really smart. Second stage is when I get really good looking and the third stage is when I get invisible.”

“Where are you now?”

“Oh, I’m feeling really good looking. I think I’ll go talk to that lovely lady over there.”

“I wouldn’t, if I was you. That’s Ms. Wolf.”

“So? I ain’t afraid of Virginia Wolf.”

“I don’t think her name’s Virginia. You ever read Poe?”

“A long time ago.”

“Well, I hear she prefers the pit to the pendulum, if you get my meaning.”

“Oh, I believe I do. Well, think she’d like to meet my sister?”

“She’s nice, now. Don’t bother her.”