Friday, March 12, 2010

The Unkindest Cut

A few nights ago, Ms. Wolf was sharing a table with Tina, a feisty, if somewhat spooky, Irish lass who always seems to have a writing pad with her.

They were sitting close enough that I could hear some of what they were saying.

Ms. Wolf said, "I can't remember who said it but it's true. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half is ruined by our children."

"Amen to that. Insanity is hereditary. We get it from our kids. So, what happened?"

"We were on our way to the mall and I got stopped for speeding. I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket by flirting with the officer but my son thought it was all funny and kept saying thingsto the cop like, 'hey, aren't you that guy from the Village People?' and 'You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?'. I stopped him before he could offer him a doughnut. Needless to say, I got the ticket. Oh well, how's the writing going?"

"I'm stuck. I've got this nice pad of clean, white paper and can't think of any good stories to put on it."

I spoke up and said, "I didn't mean to overhear what you were saying, but..."

"Oh sure, George. I've seen how hard you try to not hear everything that goes on in here," Tina said, laughing.

"Now, I can't help that I was born with excellent hearing. I was going to say that if you're looking for stories you should ask around in here. These blokes have a million of them. Of course, none of them are true, but you're looking for fiction anyway, aren't you?"

She thought it was worth a try so I made an announcement that our resident writer needed some inspiration.

Old Ben Carvey was sitting nearby and said, "well, this may not be what you're a-wanting but I was just remembering something that happened to me and my wife a long time ago."

Everyone stopped to listen because Ben Carvey is a humorous old gent who always has a little smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He's also full of... silliness.

"You all remember that fellow named Bobbitt and the terrible thing his wife did to him?"

All the men were wincing and nodding because it was the sort of thing no man could forget.

"Well, a lot of people don't know that after the cruel woman took the knife to him she ran out of the house and drove off in her car with his... wounded pride still clutched in her fist.
She drove off into the night, intending to get rid of it for good, despite the strict littering laws in that state.

The missus and me had been to the movies and were heading home in our pickup truck. I remember it was really dark out and it was raining a little so there was no moon at all. As we drove kind of slowly down the road there suddenly came a bright light up behind us and a car flew past us doing at least forty miles an hour. That was the moment she decided to toss it out and to our great surprise her husband's... pride and joy hit our windshield and stuck there for a second until the wipers swept it off into the darkness. It scared the hell out of both of us and we stared at each other for a minute. Then my wife said, 'Good Lord, Ben. Did you see the dick on that bird?'

Of course, later on we heard the news and I went to check my truck. Sure enough, there it was. It had landed in the bed of my truck so I wrapped it up and took it to the hospital where the doctors sewed it back on. We still get Christmas cards from that gentleman."

By the time he finished his story Tina had closed her note pad and was shaking her head.


  1. That's me, always filling that clean white page..
    Fun story!

  2. Another good one...

    Hey you need to go to my blog. There's a little something there for you...