John Turner was in the other night with his wife. She doesn’t drink so he asked for a Coke and a Charles Dickens martini. I played along and said, “Ah, will that be with an olive or twist?”
“Oh, you’ve heard that one, then.”
“I’m a publican, John. I’ve heard them all.”
“No way, there’s bound to be some you haven’t heard.”
“Okay then, how about this one.
A man walked up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter said, ‘I see in my book that you've done some good things and some bad things. It's sort of balanced out. Have you done any good deeds recently that might tip the scales in your favor?’
The fellow told him, ‘Well, I saw a woman whose car was broken down by the edge of the road and she was surrounded by a gang of bikers who were about to rape her so I stopped my car and jumped out, clutching my tire iron, and told them to leave her alone.’
‘That was very brave of you. And when did that happen?’
‘About three minutes ago.’
“That’s pretty good. I can’t say I’ve heard it, something similar, but not that one. I owe you a beer.”
We have been trying to increase our business some lately and someone suggested that we need a new slogan so I put up some notices for a contest. I offered dinner for two with a bottle of wine for the winner.
Then I placed a box by the door so people can put their ideas in and said that we would have a reading of them on Saturday night with the winner decided by applause.
There were a lot of slips of paper in the box when I opened it. Now, I know the sort of folks that come in here and so I expected that there would be some very ridiculous slogans but I had hoped for at least some serious ones. I was wrong.
Marion and I took turns pulling out pieces of paper and reading them to the small crowd.
The first one said, “The King’s Arse, where everybody know’s your shame.”
Then there was, “No one is stuck up in the King’s Arse.”
I said, “You clowns. I wanted serious ones.”
It was followed by, “Come see our drunken bums.”
Then, “There’s a wise crack in the King’s Arse.”
Marion started giggling and read, “There’s a nice soft stool waiting for you in the King’s Arse.”
I slammed the box shut and told them, “That’s it. Contest cancelled. I should have known better.”
I’m staying with our original slogan: You can’t beat the King’s Arse.