Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Brushing up

Pete was having his noon pint of beer and his usual lunch, my free peanuts, when Bob Byford came in. Bob was walking a little funny, as if he was in some pain, and eased himself carefully onto a bar stool. Pete pushed the bowl toward him and said, “nuts?”

Bob shook his head and said, “No, no, just a touch of arthritis.”

We have Trivia night here on the last Saturday of each month and give out small prizes like free drinks or gag gifts. Bob was the winner of last month's door prize, a brand new toilet brush from Wal-mart.
I asked him, “So, Bob, getting much use from that door prize?“

He said, "Well, I guess it's okay for some folks but I think I'll stay with toilet paper."

“You look like you’re a little down. Anything wrong?”

“Not really. I’m just sort of annoyed with my wife.”

“What did you do this time?”

“Well, this fellow at work brought in some homemade candies that his wife had put together. She’s been taking classes and they turned out really good and she shared them with us. So anyway I took some home, just to, you know, show my wife what other wives can do.”

“Oh boy. I’m guessing that wasn’t a good idea.”

“No, I guess it wasn’t. Now every time we go out somewhere she keeps pointing out other people’s nice houses and cars just to show me what other husbands can do.”

Bob’s a pretty funny guy. One time he made us laugh when the subject of religion came up. Reverend Turner was starting to get preachy so Pete decided to have a little fun and said he was an agnostic. That got the ball rolling and someone asked Bob if he believed in the Almighty.

Bob said, “Absolutely. I know there’s a God.“

“Really? How do you know for certain?“ I asked.

“Well, somebody sure is out to get me.”

The Reverend was getting a little tipsy and said that he was trying to learn to do miracles and believed that he would soon be able to turn water into wine.

Bob piped up and said, “Hey, that’s nothing. I can turn wine into water, but it takes me a couple of hours.”


  1. “No, no, just a touch of arthritis.”
    That's a good one!!!
    Keep 'em coming!

  2. Thanks Pat. I appreciate that.

  3. Like, falling on the floor laughing, a full, from the gullet laugh. You are awesome.

  4. Wow, thank you very much. We really like brown-eyed girls at the King's Arse.

  5. this is funny! i could almost see those people hanging out at the bar. you're doing a great 'bob' impersonation.