Saturday, February 20, 2010

Lady in Distress

We get some celebrities here at The King’s Arse, local celebrities anyway. One who comes in frequently is Roger Bright, the morning DJ on the local radio station. He’s got that show with Bob Early, “Bright and Early in the Morning” but I almost never get to hear them because we keep some late hours here at the pub.

Anyway, Roger is a pleasant fellow and you wouldn’t know it from his radio personality, but he’s pretty shy and meek. I like to mess with him sometimes, just for a laugh, so the other day Big Ed walked in while I was talking with Roger and I said, “Well, here’s Big Ed now, let’s hear you say that to his face.”

Well, we hadn’t even been talking about Ed, who is 6’-6” tall and looks like a biker, but is really a gentle soul who teaches second grade. I winked at Ed and he played along.

“What the hell you been saying about me, Roger?”

Roger panicked. “Nothing, Ed. Nothing. I swear it. Damn you, George, tell him you’re kidding.”

Big Ed and I both started laughing and soon calmed him down.

Roger has a crush on Marian, our bar maid, and likes to call her Maid Marian, which annoys her more than a little. He plays up the whole knighthood thing and when he’s had a few he will say dumb things like, “Thou hast my heart, fair Lady”. She just smiles and ignores it because he’s a good tipper.

Recently Marian’s mother, Rose, was visiting and she got a little tipsy and started flirting with Roger who tried to be polite but was obviously not interested in her. At one point Marian almost dropped a tray of glasses and was saved by Roger who grabbed the tray at the last moment. She thanked him and he said, “Always happy to help a lady in distress.”

Rose grabbed his arm and slurred, “Well, how about the Lady in this dress?”

After Roger left, Rose got a little depressed and started talking about dying. I tried to cheer her up and told her that she had many years to go before having to worry about death.

She said, “When I die I want to go like my daddy did, peacefully, quietly in his sleep.”

Marian said, “Now mom, you know that grandpa died in a car crash.”

“He crashed because he fell asleep at the wheel of his taxi cab so he never knew what hit him. All the screaming came from the couple in the back seat. I don’t want to go like they did.”